Since Sunday I have kept myself busy busy busy. After spending 2 hours today trying to get the fake Christmas tree's lights to all work, I thought to myself, maybe I am avoiding my feelings. So, I went and prayed and asked God to help me sort out my heart and I wrote out my specific feelings regarding "the incident" and shared them with my husband. I looked him in the eye as I read them and that was hard and powerful. Then I was able to go back to my room and cry a little. I haven't had an all out cry about this yet. But I know it is there, brewing underneath all my control mechanisms. So here is what I wrote:
1. I feel angry at you for risking everything "to feel good".
2. I feel angry at you because you at least seriously entertained the idea of acting out adultery.
3. I feel angry and disappointed in you because you didn't keep your word about not drinking, staying in accountability (with his feelings and mood swings) with your friends and mentors, praying daily, reading the Bible daily etc. and you have a pattern of doing this. I feel there is more often than not a vast divide between what you say you will do and what you actually do. (These are all recovery things he has committed himself to, not my suggestions).
4. I am afraid that this will happen again.
5. I am angry that you foolishly and selfishly drank so much.
6. I am angry that you objectified, manipulated, and used Rachel (name changed).
7. I distrust you and your judgment even more than before.
8. I feel embarrassed and devalued by you by what you did because I am your wife.
9. I feel betrayed by you. (I think this was the strongest feeling as I read the to him).
10. I doubt your love for me as a wife/lover. What you did was like a flaming arrow to my heart.
I have some positive feelings written out too, including telling him that I am in the process of forgiving him, but I didn't share that yet. I am still FEELING what has happened and I don't feel ready to even try forgiving him before I count my losses.
Tonight I just feel sad about it. And I want to be alone.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
What Does This Mean?
Just got home from a nice getaway weekend at my Dad's. He bought my kids new bedroom furniture that I picked out at IKEA! And it snowed! My son had his first snow! My husband was sad when I spoke to him on the phone Saturday because he loves IKEA and he missed our son's first snow. And he missed it because we are separated right now because he cares more about jacking off to porn than us being together as a family.
Saturday night was weird. The plan was I had to go by IKEA with my van and pick up an item we had to leave earlier that day because it wouldn't fit in my dad's wife's car. Then I was going to drive to my friend Mary's, because she lives near my dad and we hadn't seen each other in awhile, although we call often.
I am 'directionally inhibited' and the area I was in is not an easy place to navigate in, so I was nervous about getting there safe. At IKEA, I realized my phone was dead. I felt very strongly, a heavy feeling, (I believe it was the Holy Spirit) that I should go back to my dad's and not risk going to Mary's. I had no cash, just my check card, and not even coins for a pay phone if something happened. Oh, and it was snowing! And I am not an experienced snow driver.
So I got back on the interstate. But it was the wrong interstate. It was the interstate to Mary's. I decided to just stay on it and try and find Mary's place. I found it after getting turned around a couple times, with the help of a cop! When I got there at 1030, she was on the phone with my husband. She was really worried about me (having not heard from me). I spoke to my husband and asked him to call my dad and tell him I had arrived safely, since my phone was dead and I don't know my dad's number by heart. He asked about what I got at IKEA that day and I curtly told him to call my dad first and then I would call him back. I called him twice on Mary's phone, no answer. I left a message.
Mary made us margaritas and we talked til about 1:30 about my husband and I and how John's cheating had affected her outlook on life.
My husband didn't call back that night. I spoke to him today at my dads, he seemed fine, and I let him know what time I would be leaving etc. He was at our condo when I got home, which we had discussed before hand because he hadn't seen the kids in three days and he unloaded all the IKEA crap from the car and gave my son a bath. Also, things have been going really well. I have had peace about our relationship during this separation. But when I saw him in the condo I knew something bad had happened. After the kids had been put to bed and I had showered and dressed, I asked him about his weekend and if he had acted out while I was away. He admitted to "almost acting out". I inquired about that and then said, "Is there anything else because you look really weird". He said yes and because of the look on his face, I felt scared inside. Instead of just spitting it out he was giving this long introduction explaining his feelings this weekend etc. I started feeling desperate and said "Just get to the fucking point. What did you do?"
He went to a bar to watch some CHRISTIAN FRIENDS play there acoustic stuff. Fine. That is fine.
He got wasted. I started to feel like I would throw up.
He kissed someone.
A girl we both know. The ex-girlfriend of a former co-worker. Someone he would never even date. Someone I am not threatened by in anyway. She is a sad broken girl who drinks too much. There are women I am threatened by, but she is not one of them. And I am not angry at her at all, atleast not yet.
After exploding with F words I asked him to leave immediately, then changed my mind and made sure I got all the details. In between the details I said things like, "I feel like I am married to a fifteen year old" and "You are a fucking coward". Then I went numb and quietly asked him to leave over and over until he did.
So this is what he told me:
He drank 3 pints and 2 mixed shots. And no dinner. She bought him the shots. She was buying lots of people shots. He denies flirting with her, but says he was "really sad" and they were discussing this and that "she was really sad too and lonely".
The thing is, ALL of our friends from church were there. And these are the type of people that look out for one another and care deeply about us. And obviously weren't paying enough attention.
He kissed her when they both were walking out to their cars, at about 1230. He risked all of these people seeing them. He didn't get in her car and he didn't touch her and she didn't touch him but he said it was a french kiss, he said, "it was messy". He said they didn't make out and that he pulled away and "I wanted to like it but I didn't. It was gross". He specifically denies enjoying it when I asked. He said he first thought about kissing her while sitting with her at the bar. So that means it was pre-meditated, atleast 30 minutes. It wasn't an accident anymore than getting drunk was an accident.
I am still in shock.
(It reminds me of a similar incident when we were separated the first time. He got drunk at a bar and almost made out with another drunk broken girl.)
He apologized profusely, declared his love for me and his desire to stay married. Everything that someone should say in this situation he said. I told him it seemed like an angry thing to do. He said he wasn't mad at me and he didn't do it to hurt me, that it wasn't about me at all. I reminded him that if he wants to end this he doesn't have to have an excuse, just say the word... He re-asserted that he loves me and wants to be married to me. He says doesn't know why he did it except that he wanted to feel good and was feeling low about himself all weekend (what's new?). He says he thinks he was really depressed and maybe that's why. He is meeting with two of the leaders of his men's group tomorrow. I also told him that I want him to tell his band members (who were all there). Maybe I am hoping they will tell him to step down from the band or take a break or something.
I just...I don't know what to make of it. And if I had driven back to my dad's that night instead, I would've called him to get my friend's number to let her know I couldn't make it. And we would have talked for awhile. And maybe he would never have kissed that girl. I don't say this because I blame myself. I don't blame myself at all. And I am actually kind of thankful that it happened. Because HE IS CAPABLE OF THIS?! I never would have thought he was capable of this NOW, and I never would have known. But now I do. However, I am not looking forward to how sad I am going to feel when all of this sinks in.
Saturday night was weird. The plan was I had to go by IKEA with my van and pick up an item we had to leave earlier that day because it wouldn't fit in my dad's wife's car. Then I was going to drive to my friend Mary's, because she lives near my dad and we hadn't seen each other in awhile, although we call often.
I am 'directionally inhibited' and the area I was in is not an easy place to navigate in, so I was nervous about getting there safe. At IKEA, I realized my phone was dead. I felt very strongly, a heavy feeling, (I believe it was the Holy Spirit) that I should go back to my dad's and not risk going to Mary's. I had no cash, just my check card, and not even coins for a pay phone if something happened. Oh, and it was snowing! And I am not an experienced snow driver.
So I got back on the interstate. But it was the wrong interstate. It was the interstate to Mary's. I decided to just stay on it and try and find Mary's place. I found it after getting turned around a couple times, with the help of a cop! When I got there at 1030, she was on the phone with my husband. She was really worried about me (having not heard from me). I spoke to my husband and asked him to call my dad and tell him I had arrived safely, since my phone was dead and I don't know my dad's number by heart. He asked about what I got at IKEA that day and I curtly told him to call my dad first and then I would call him back. I called him twice on Mary's phone, no answer. I left a message.
Mary made us margaritas and we talked til about 1:30 about my husband and I and how John's cheating had affected her outlook on life.
My husband didn't call back that night. I spoke to him today at my dads, he seemed fine, and I let him know what time I would be leaving etc. He was at our condo when I got home, which we had discussed before hand because he hadn't seen the kids in three days and he unloaded all the IKEA crap from the car and gave my son a bath. Also, things have been going really well. I have had peace about our relationship during this separation. But when I saw him in the condo I knew something bad had happened. After the kids had been put to bed and I had showered and dressed, I asked him about his weekend and if he had acted out while I was away. He admitted to "almost acting out". I inquired about that and then said, "Is there anything else because you look really weird". He said yes and because of the look on his face, I felt scared inside. Instead of just spitting it out he was giving this long introduction explaining his feelings this weekend etc. I started feeling desperate and said "Just get to the fucking point. What did you do?"
He went to a bar to watch some CHRISTIAN FRIENDS play there acoustic stuff. Fine. That is fine.
He got wasted. I started to feel like I would throw up.
He kissed someone.
A girl we both know. The ex-girlfriend of a former co-worker. Someone he would never even date. Someone I am not threatened by in anyway. She is a sad broken girl who drinks too much. There are women I am threatened by, but she is not one of them. And I am not angry at her at all, atleast not yet.
After exploding with F words I asked him to leave immediately, then changed my mind and made sure I got all the details. In between the details I said things like, "I feel like I am married to a fifteen year old" and "You are a fucking coward". Then I went numb and quietly asked him to leave over and over until he did.
So this is what he told me:
He drank 3 pints and 2 mixed shots. And no dinner. She bought him the shots. She was buying lots of people shots. He denies flirting with her, but says he was "really sad" and they were discussing this and that "she was really sad too and lonely".
The thing is, ALL of our friends from church were there. And these are the type of people that look out for one another and care deeply about us. And obviously weren't paying enough attention.
He kissed her when they both were walking out to their cars, at about 1230. He risked all of these people seeing them. He didn't get in her car and he didn't touch her and she didn't touch him but he said it was a french kiss, he said, "it was messy". He said they didn't make out and that he pulled away and "I wanted to like it but I didn't. It was gross". He specifically denies enjoying it when I asked. He said he first thought about kissing her while sitting with her at the bar. So that means it was pre-meditated, atleast 30 minutes. It wasn't an accident anymore than getting drunk was an accident.
I am still in shock.
(It reminds me of a similar incident when we were separated the first time. He got drunk at a bar and almost made out with another drunk broken girl.)
He apologized profusely, declared his love for me and his desire to stay married. Everything that someone should say in this situation he said. I told him it seemed like an angry thing to do. He said he wasn't mad at me and he didn't do it to hurt me, that it wasn't about me at all. I reminded him that if he wants to end this he doesn't have to have an excuse, just say the word... He re-asserted that he loves me and wants to be married to me. He says doesn't know why he did it except that he wanted to feel good and was feeling low about himself all weekend (what's new?). He says he thinks he was really depressed and maybe that's why. He is meeting with two of the leaders of his men's group tomorrow. I also told him that I want him to tell his band members (who were all there). Maybe I am hoping they will tell him to step down from the band or take a break or something.
I just...I don't know what to make of it. And if I had driven back to my dad's that night instead, I would've called him to get my friend's number to let her know I couldn't make it. And we would have talked for awhile. And maybe he would never have kissed that girl. I don't say this because I blame myself. I don't blame myself at all. And I am actually kind of thankful that it happened. Because HE IS CAPABLE OF THIS?! I never would have thought he was capable of this NOW, and I never would have known. But now I do. However, I am not looking forward to how sad I am going to feel when all of this sinks in.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Grief Comes In Pieces
The last two days have been an emotional roller coaster for me. And today I called into work for the first time since I started working there a year ago. I just needed a day.
I'm not sure if its merely PMS, or spiritual, or what.
I was feeling hopeful about things. Thankful during the holiday weekend, and much more into it than last year.
Then Sunday my husband mentioned agreeing to play drums on his friend Bob's "album". He admitted to not praying about the decision, not even for a second. And he was mean to me one day, when I came home from work. The kitchen was a bit of a mess and I said something about it. (Although we are separated, he watches our kids while I am at work).
My husband has been seeking God for a vision/purpose as far as a career. He has mentioned going back to school, which could be good, but the degree he is leaning towards is not one that will have a job waiting for him when he graduates. I feel frustrated about working so much, and picking up extra shifts to pay all of the bills meanwhile missing time with my kids. He did get a second job in a coffee shop, but no paychecks yet and his other job is slow as ever. I don't want to be mean, but the idea of putting this person who has let me down time and time again, through four years of school on what seems like a whim makes me nauseous.
Somewhere in there a wave of anger came and knocked me off of my feet. And I was raging. I think my mind started unraveling the ball of all that is wrong in our relationship. It is such a very large ball. This is a terrifying and foolish foolish thing to do to myself. I probably shouldn't have gone to work yesterday. I cried so hard to God that my face looked disproportionate to me the rest of the day. But God blessed me at work and I had the easiest assignment to date.
The idea of my husband signing himself up for yet another non-paying time commitment made my blood boil. And I felt abandoned! I felt rejected. Those are my two biggest wounds I think. He is currently playing in his own band, which practices once a week and then has a show once or twice a month and THREE CHURCH BANDS which all have weekly practices and services! Plus his men's recovery group. In my mind, I thought, we are separated, you only acted out last week and you are planning to spend even more time away, and for what? What are you running from now? He did agree that he has been spreading himself too thin. He says he won't be playing for one of the churches after this month and not for the other two unless they pay him per service. He wants to drum for a living. He defends agreeing to drum on Bob's album because he will get royalties. But Bob isn't signed to any labels right now. Who knows if that will every happen. The odds of that happening is pretty much the same as winning the lottery.
The thing is, I'd like be optimistic and supportive of his creative endeavors. But he has burned me too many times. And yet I am judged for not trusting him in this! This whole thing has reminded me how dangerous my husband still is to me.
We started to get in a bad argument about all this last night, which I ended by keeping my boundary about no emotional conversations after 10pm. But this morning he brought the matter up again and I fell into the trap. Somewhere in there I ended up telling him that I always wanted a diamond engagement ring from him! And he told me I was selfish for putting that on him right now with everything he is going through. And then I wanted to smash the mirror on the bathroom wall with my fist. But I held it down. I am so very good at that.
He called and apologized later for "the ridiculous argument". He told me he loves me.
I admit. Today I just want it to be over again. Today I am tired of the fight. Of figuring it out. Of forgiving. Of my life and myself.
I'm not sure if its merely PMS, or spiritual, or what.
I was feeling hopeful about things. Thankful during the holiday weekend, and much more into it than last year.
Then Sunday my husband mentioned agreeing to play drums on his friend Bob's "album". He admitted to not praying about the decision, not even for a second. And he was mean to me one day, when I came home from work. The kitchen was a bit of a mess and I said something about it. (Although we are separated, he watches our kids while I am at work).
My husband has been seeking God for a vision/purpose as far as a career. He has mentioned going back to school, which could be good, but the degree he is leaning towards is not one that will have a job waiting for him when he graduates. I feel frustrated about working so much, and picking up extra shifts to pay all of the bills meanwhile missing time with my kids. He did get a second job in a coffee shop, but no paychecks yet and his other job is slow as ever. I don't want to be mean, but the idea of putting this person who has let me down time and time again, through four years of school on what seems like a whim makes me nauseous.
Somewhere in there a wave of anger came and knocked me off of my feet. And I was raging. I think my mind started unraveling the ball of all that is wrong in our relationship. It is such a very large ball. This is a terrifying and foolish foolish thing to do to myself. I probably shouldn't have gone to work yesterday. I cried so hard to God that my face looked disproportionate to me the rest of the day. But God blessed me at work and I had the easiest assignment to date.
The idea of my husband signing himself up for yet another non-paying time commitment made my blood boil. And I felt abandoned! I felt rejected. Those are my two biggest wounds I think. He is currently playing in his own band, which practices once a week and then has a show once or twice a month and THREE CHURCH BANDS which all have weekly practices and services! Plus his men's recovery group. In my mind, I thought, we are separated, you only acted out last week and you are planning to spend even more time away, and for what? What are you running from now? He did agree that he has been spreading himself too thin. He says he won't be playing for one of the churches after this month and not for the other two unless they pay him per service. He wants to drum for a living. He defends agreeing to drum on Bob's album because he will get royalties. But Bob isn't signed to any labels right now. Who knows if that will every happen. The odds of that happening is pretty much the same as winning the lottery.
The thing is, I'd like be optimistic and supportive of his creative endeavors. But he has burned me too many times. And yet I am judged for not trusting him in this! This whole thing has reminded me how dangerous my husband still is to me.
We started to get in a bad argument about all this last night, which I ended by keeping my boundary about no emotional conversations after 10pm. But this morning he brought the matter up again and I fell into the trap. Somewhere in there I ended up telling him that I always wanted a diamond engagement ring from him! And he told me I was selfish for putting that on him right now with everything he is going through. And then I wanted to smash the mirror on the bathroom wall with my fist. But I held it down. I am so very good at that.
He called and apologized later for "the ridiculous argument". He told me he loves me.
I admit. Today I just want it to be over again. Today I am tired of the fight. Of figuring it out. Of forgiving. Of my life and myself.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Long and Windedy
I apologize in advance for the length of this post. It should probably be three separate entries.
Things have changed since my last blog post. I've changed, it seems, yet again.
The boundaries I was so excited to "get" revealed themselves as harder to actually keep. I made a poor decision and had my husband watch my kids while I went for one drink with some co-workers - something healthy in itself and something I've been trying to do more of in my life, basic community. When I got home, ended up making out and then making love...only he couldn't finish. The shame was excruciating. But what I am proud of is, I was able to process through what happened, why, and able to properly assess what was mine and what wasn't, and get past it! I called the leader of my women's group the morning after. She met me in a place of deep vulnerability. It was a milestone for me to reach out and be so open in such a time of shame. It was super painful, and for a couple days after I felt acute insecurity in my husband's love for me. But writing about it now, I am free from it. That is, I am able to take away the lesson and leave behind the shame and pain. And my husband seems like he was able to do the same on his end. We debriefed and re-established our mutual boundary of not being physically intimate during this time apart.
Indeed, we are both accomplishing much, in our separate recovery. Every single day is a struggle. But I see my own progress in areas I haven't been able to reach before. I am staying in the moment, in the day. I am expressing my anger, when a situation occurs with my husband, in a direct but kind way. I even started step four in my old recovery workbook! This week my group studied how we deal with pain, healthy and unhealthy patterns. My unhealthy patterns are sleeping often, computer games or online window shopping or facebooking, and attempting to run away from the relationship or put a time-table on my healing/and/or divorcing process. And this usually occurs on my first day back from working a couple days in a row. If I don't face it then, it carries into all my days off! No way to live! I always knew I did almost all of those things, but now, when I am doing them or tempted to, I can connect why and ask myself, what am I afraid to feel right now? I have a long way to go in this area, but the first step is knowing.
My husband has gotten a second job, has been fasting (for the first time ever), canceled his facebook and tumbler accounts, is talking about a vision of going back to school for music production, and has committed to 2 months of sobriety before moving back in of his own volition. I woke up to him correcting our daughter as she was not getting ready for school in a stern loving manner. I've never witnessed that tone before. His admonishments have always been delivered in a "you are such an idiot" tone to her. She made honor roll for the first time this week and he took her out for dinner and a movie tonight. It was his idea. These things are mountains.
The last area I am progressing in, which relates to staying in the moment, is not trusting him too soon. Not going from 0 to 60mph in our relationship (with the exception of the mistake I mentioned earlier) when he begins to show the first signs of healing. To some of you, that mistake may seem gigantic, but I am able to say it isn't and does not nullify my progress in moving past Doug Weiss's "black and white thinking". In the past two weeks my heart has turned back to my husband. But not in the same denial laced everything-is-finally-normal delusion. And I'm actually thankful that our rendezvous wasn't successful (due to his chronic masturbation sequella) because perhaps in some twisted way of grace it protected me from crawling back to my warm but disgusting place of denial. Because as great as my husband is doing lately, things are still extremely fucked up on all fronts! It is still a hot mess 'round here in sweetcaroline land, and I've come to accept that it will be for a very long time. And I embrace that process. WOW. Did I just say that?
Earlier this week he seemed to have gone back on his own proclamation to cancel his social internet accounts and was active as ever, updating statuses etc. I was feeling uneasy, as this reminded me of the longstanding ebb and flow of his progress vs. sabotage recovery style and shared my feelings with him in a non-controlling fashion. I didn't think anything would come of that conversation, and that wasn't my intention, although, I'll take it! I've given up attempting to persuade him of anything for awhile now, ever since I figured out that it seems to have the opposite effect anyway. But surprisingly, this morning he told me he had felt "really convicted" by our conversation "about not following through with my commitments" and had went ahead and canceled the accounts. The other issue that came up, and that I was able to express my anger about in a healthy way was he commented to me about having spent three hours watching At The Drive In videos on youtube. That was like a shot of nausea to my heart. I can't count how many times I've been told during an apology after he's acted out, "I was just on youtube, not thinking of acting out at all and then I saw this random ad", or whathaveyou. I will never understand the delusion of sudden immortality that comes with less than a month of sobriety for him. It must be like my formerly mentioned delusion of a sudden marital utopia. He apologized and acquiesced, but only the future will tell if he got the point for himself.
The last thing I want to write is, I saw an old friend today on break from her missions life in a foreign land. She is happily and pretty newly married. She looked thin and tall and beautiful. I was so jealous. Even though I am thin and tall and beautiful. Because in my mind, I made her and her marriage perfect. I told her we are separated again. She said nothing to directly make me think she judges me for it. But because she didn't openly laud my decision or pray for me or encourage me in my bravery (like all my other Christian friends do) I felt needy for her approval. I wanted to go back after I left or call her and literally ask her "Do you think what I am doing is okay?" Even though, I absolutely positively know what I am doing is more than okay. I'm still sorting out what that is about. I think it is most likely pride.
Things have changed since my last blog post. I've changed, it seems, yet again.
The boundaries I was so excited to "get" revealed themselves as harder to actually keep. I made a poor decision and had my husband watch my kids while I went for one drink with some co-workers - something healthy in itself and something I've been trying to do more of in my life, basic community. When I got home, ended up making out and then making love...only he couldn't finish. The shame was excruciating. But what I am proud of is, I was able to process through what happened, why, and able to properly assess what was mine and what wasn't, and get past it! I called the leader of my women's group the morning after. She met me in a place of deep vulnerability. It was a milestone for me to reach out and be so open in such a time of shame. It was super painful, and for a couple days after I felt acute insecurity in my husband's love for me. But writing about it now, I am free from it. That is, I am able to take away the lesson and leave behind the shame and pain. And my husband seems like he was able to do the same on his end. We debriefed and re-established our mutual boundary of not being physically intimate during this time apart.
Indeed, we are both accomplishing much, in our separate recovery. Every single day is a struggle. But I see my own progress in areas I haven't been able to reach before. I am staying in the moment, in the day. I am expressing my anger, when a situation occurs with my husband, in a direct but kind way. I even started step four in my old recovery workbook! This week my group studied how we deal with pain, healthy and unhealthy patterns. My unhealthy patterns are sleeping often, computer games or online window shopping or facebooking, and attempting to run away from the relationship or put a time-table on my healing/and/or divorcing process. And this usually occurs on my first day back from working a couple days in a row. If I don't face it then, it carries into all my days off! No way to live! I always knew I did almost all of those things, but now, when I am doing them or tempted to, I can connect why and ask myself, what am I afraid to feel right now? I have a long way to go in this area, but the first step is knowing.
My husband has gotten a second job, has been fasting (for the first time ever), canceled his facebook and tumbler accounts, is talking about a vision of going back to school for music production, and has committed to 2 months of sobriety before moving back in of his own volition. I woke up to him correcting our daughter as she was not getting ready for school in a stern loving manner. I've never witnessed that tone before. His admonishments have always been delivered in a "you are such an idiot" tone to her. She made honor roll for the first time this week and he took her out for dinner and a movie tonight. It was his idea. These things are mountains.
The last area I am progressing in, which relates to staying in the moment, is not trusting him too soon. Not going from 0 to 60mph in our relationship (with the exception of the mistake I mentioned earlier) when he begins to show the first signs of healing. To some of you, that mistake may seem gigantic, but I am able to say it isn't and does not nullify my progress in moving past Doug Weiss's "black and white thinking". In the past two weeks my heart has turned back to my husband. But not in the same denial laced everything-is-finally-normal delusion. And I'm actually thankful that our rendezvous wasn't successful (due to his chronic masturbation sequella) because perhaps in some twisted way of grace it protected me from crawling back to my warm but disgusting place of denial. Because as great as my husband is doing lately, things are still extremely fucked up on all fronts! It is still a hot mess 'round here in sweetcaroline land, and I've come to accept that it will be for a very long time. And I embrace that process. WOW. Did I just say that?
Earlier this week he seemed to have gone back on his own proclamation to cancel his social internet accounts and was active as ever, updating statuses etc. I was feeling uneasy, as this reminded me of the longstanding ebb and flow of his progress vs. sabotage recovery style and shared my feelings with him in a non-controlling fashion. I didn't think anything would come of that conversation, and that wasn't my intention, although, I'll take it! I've given up attempting to persuade him of anything for awhile now, ever since I figured out that it seems to have the opposite effect anyway. But surprisingly, this morning he told me he had felt "really convicted" by our conversation "about not following through with my commitments" and had went ahead and canceled the accounts. The other issue that came up, and that I was able to express my anger about in a healthy way was he commented to me about having spent three hours watching At The Drive In videos on youtube. That was like a shot of nausea to my heart. I can't count how many times I've been told during an apology after he's acted out, "I was just on youtube, not thinking of acting out at all and then I saw this random ad", or whathaveyou. I will never understand the delusion of sudden immortality that comes with less than a month of sobriety for him. It must be like my formerly mentioned delusion of a sudden marital utopia. He apologized and acquiesced, but only the future will tell if he got the point for himself.
The last thing I want to write is, I saw an old friend today on break from her missions life in a foreign land. She is happily and pretty newly married. She looked thin and tall and beautiful. I was so jealous. Even though I am thin and tall and beautiful. Because in my mind, I made her and her marriage perfect. I told her we are separated again. She said nothing to directly make me think she judges me for it. But because she didn't openly laud my decision or pray for me or encourage me in my bravery (like all my other Christian friends do) I felt needy for her approval. I wanted to go back after I left or call her and literally ask her "Do you think what I am doing is okay?" Even though, I absolutely positively know what I am doing is more than okay. I'm still sorting out what that is about. I think it is most likely pride.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
WoW
Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! I just learned the most WONDERFUL thing.
God made anger to let me know when my boundaries have been violated and where they are! Its kind of like when the human body experiences pain: When I touch something too hot, when there is too much pressure somewhere, when I have an infection causing swelling, it is a message of great importance. If I ignore it, it is to my own peril and I could actually die. If I acknowledge it, process it, figure it out, I can stop the pain and I am protected. And when I acknowledge my anger and give it over to God, every single time I've done that lately, He reveals to me my heart clearly and my boundaries suddenly become so obvious and so healthy! And then I'm able to focus on what I can control.
God made anger to let me know when my boundaries have been violated and where they are! Its kind of like when the human body experiences pain: When I touch something too hot, when there is too much pressure somewhere, when I have an infection causing swelling, it is a message of great importance. If I ignore it, it is to my own peril and I could actually die. If I acknowledge it, process it, figure it out, I can stop the pain and I am protected. And when I acknowledge my anger and give it over to God, every single time I've done that lately, He reveals to me my heart clearly and my boundaries suddenly become so obvious and so healthy! And then I'm able to focus on what I can control.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Righteous
The group I'm in is working on how to grieve in a healthy way. This week is about how to feel anger and deal with it in a healthy way. And I've realized, I turn almost all of my anger inwards through isolation and depression. Every once in awhile I am passive aggressive or try and get my husband back (rarely) but most of the time I turn it on myself. I find a false peace in isolation. I have control. There are no (apparent) risks. I also realized that I have rarely ever allowed myself to tell my husband I am angry. I always feel like anger is ok, because emotions aren't right or wrong, but you should get rid of it fast like a hot potato. I think I have told him I am angry at him...maybe never. I have said, "I am angry right now". Why? Because that would make me a "bad" person, a "bad" wife, a "bad" Christian? Why do I feel so uncomfortable maintaining the truth?
I AM REALLY REALLY MAD AT YOU RIGHT NOW.
They are also suggesting turning your anger over to God, so that He can use it. Which, I'm interested to see what becomes of that. I've never thought about that before. I've always pretty much asked God to deliver me from my anger, as if it were a curse.
The past two nights I've been totally freaked out and full of anxiety, unable to even sleep. But feeling my anger right now, owning it, feels like a warm calm meal. I can't explain.
I'm angry at you. And I'm going to bed now.
I AM REALLY REALLY MAD AT YOU RIGHT NOW.
They are also suggesting turning your anger over to God, so that He can use it. Which, I'm interested to see what becomes of that. I've never thought about that before. I've always pretty much asked God to deliver me from my anger, as if it were a curse.
The past two nights I've been totally freaked out and full of anxiety, unable to even sleep. But feeling my anger right now, owning it, feels like a warm calm meal. I can't explain.
I'm angry at you. And I'm going to bed now.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Today I Am Feeling ___(feeling word here).
Angry.
Angry at him for wasting so much time, so much of our lives and our children's lives. Angry that for some reason, he couldn't beat this thing and may never beat this thing. Not that I for one second doubt that he could, with God's help, but will he? I have so many doubts.
He acted out a week ago, Sunday. That was 13 days after I made him leave. I'm not trying to predict his downfall, but THAT SUCKS! My point is, if me leaving the first time three years ago wasn't enough, if my kicking him out again wasn't enough...He actually said to me, after I had asked about his sobriety last Monday, "Yeah, I've pretty much been sober." Pretty much? "Well, I acted out." When? "Uh...(thinking) yesterday. Is that going to affect me moving back in?"
I am angry that he is so weak.
He called me driving home from his men's group retreat. He went to the same retreat last year. He woke up late on the day they were leaving. Anyway, he was sharing with me all these things God had shown him about how he had progressed in certain areas and met goals and other revelations about how he has a habit of consistently putting himself in stressful situations such as poor financial decisions.
I just wanted to scream at him. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I was bored listening to him. I am so tired of his words. His words are almost always lovely and full of everything you can imagine a partner of a sex addict would want to hear. But he is a cloud without rain. And when I look at him now that is all I see. He is disappointment and cowardice personified in a man to me. And as you can tell, no doubt, I am seriously struggling with some bitterness and an unforgiving spirit against him and his entire family of addicts and psycho pathological liars.
Like clouds and wind without rain is a man who boasts of gifts he does not give.
Proverbs 25:14
Angry at him for wasting so much time, so much of our lives and our children's lives. Angry that for some reason, he couldn't beat this thing and may never beat this thing. Not that I for one second doubt that he could, with God's help, but will he? I have so many doubts.
He acted out a week ago, Sunday. That was 13 days after I made him leave. I'm not trying to predict his downfall, but THAT SUCKS! My point is, if me leaving the first time three years ago wasn't enough, if my kicking him out again wasn't enough...He actually said to me, after I had asked about his sobriety last Monday, "Yeah, I've pretty much been sober." Pretty much? "Well, I acted out." When? "Uh...(thinking) yesterday. Is that going to affect me moving back in?"
I am angry that he is so weak.
He called me driving home from his men's group retreat. He went to the same retreat last year. He woke up late on the day they were leaving. Anyway, he was sharing with me all these things God had shown him about how he had progressed in certain areas and met goals and other revelations about how he has a habit of consistently putting himself in stressful situations such as poor financial decisions.
I just wanted to scream at him. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I was bored listening to him. I am so tired of his words. His words are almost always lovely and full of everything you can imagine a partner of a sex addict would want to hear. But he is a cloud without rain. And when I look at him now that is all I see. He is disappointment and cowardice personified in a man to me. And as you can tell, no doubt, I am seriously struggling with some bitterness and an unforgiving spirit against him and his entire family of addicts and psycho pathological liars.
Like clouds and wind without rain is a man who boasts of gifts he does not give.
Proverbs 25:14
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
