WoW

Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! I just learned the most WONDERFUL thing.

God made anger to let me know when my boundaries have been violated and where they are! Its kind of like when the human body experiences pain: When I touch something too hot, when there is too much pressure somewhere, when I have an infection causing swelling, it is a message of great importance. If I ignore it, it is to my own peril and I could actually die. If I acknowledge it, process it, figure it out, I can stop the pain and I am protected. And when I acknowledge my anger and give it over to God, every single time I've done that lately, He reveals to me my heart clearly and my boundaries suddenly become so obvious and so healthy! And then I'm able to focus on what I can control.

Righteous

The group I'm in is working on how to grieve in a healthy way. This week is about how to feel anger and deal with it in a healthy way. And I've realized, I turn almost all of my anger inwards through isolation and depression. Every once in awhile I am passive aggressive or try and get my husband back (rarely) but most of the time I turn it on myself. I find a false peace in isolation. I have control. There are no (apparent) risks. I also realized that I have rarely ever allowed myself to tell my husband I am angry. I always feel like anger is ok, because emotions aren't right or wrong, but you should get rid of it fast like a hot potato. I think I have told him I am angry at him...maybe never. I have said, "I am angry right now". Why? Because that would make me a "bad" person, a "bad" wife, a "bad" Christian? Why do I feel so uncomfortable maintaining the truth?

I AM REALLY REALLY MAD AT YOU RIGHT NOW.

They are also suggesting turning your anger over to God, so that He can use it. Which, I'm interested to see what becomes of that. I've never thought about that before. I've always pretty much asked God to deliver me from my anger, as if it were a curse.

The past two nights I've been totally freaked out and full of anxiety, unable to even sleep. But feeling my anger right now, owning it, feels like a warm calm meal. I can't explain.

I'm angry at you. And I'm going to bed now.

Today I Am Feeling ___(feeling word here).

Angry.

Angry at him for wasting so much time, so much of our lives and our children's lives. Angry that for some reason, he couldn't beat this thing and may never beat this thing. Not that I for one second doubt that he could, with God's help, but will he? I have so many doubts.

He acted out a week ago, Sunday. That was 13 days after I made him leave. I'm not trying to predict his downfall, but THAT SUCKS! My point is, if me leaving the first time three years ago wasn't enough, if my kicking him out again wasn't enough...He actually said to me, after I had asked about his sobriety last Monday, "Yeah, I've pretty much been sober." Pretty much? "Well, I acted out." When? "Uh...(thinking) yesterday. Is that going to affect me moving back in?"

I am angry that he is so weak.

He called me driving home from his men's group retreat. He went to the same retreat last year. He woke up late on the day they were leaving. Anyway, he was sharing with me all these things God had shown him about how he had progressed in certain areas and met goals and other revelations about how he has a habit of consistently putting himself in stressful situations such as poor financial decisions.

I just wanted to scream at him. SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I was bored listening to him. I am so tired of his words. His words are almost always lovely and full of everything you can imagine a partner of a sex addict would want to hear. But he is a cloud without rain. And when I look at him now that is all I see. He is disappointment and cowardice personified in a man to me. And as you can tell, no doubt, I am seriously struggling with some bitterness and an unforgiving spirit against him and his entire family of addicts and psycho pathological liars.

Like clouds and wind without rain is a man who boasts of gifts he does not give.
Proverbs 25:14

Feel So Different

I wanted to post Sinead O'Connor's song, Feel So Different, with this post, but the only one I could find had this really creepy video with it. So, if you want to hear the song, just scroll down on my music player to the right, no creepy video included. :)

I am reading Thomas Merton's No Man Is An Island. And its phenomenal. And just what I needed. Although I felt like my decision to hold my husband to our boundary and have him move out was the right decision, I now know it was the most loving decision, for both of us. And as my initial wave of energy at having a peaceful abode and realizing I can do this passed, I found myself very low this week. This book has helped because I came to another revelation, although I am in pain, and this HARD HARD HARD, I am alive. I am not longer the walking dead. Ignorance may be bliss but denial is a slow hell. Today I am alive. I am in reality. I am on a journey of love. And no matter what that journey brings, I am okay with it because it is a journey of truth. Life IS hard. But I am so thankful that I am alive, able to feel this real pain and be my authentic self and walk in the love of Christ at the same time. And I'm proud of myself. Not in an arrogant way, but in a healthy way.

That said, my reality of where my husband is at is as raw as ever. We are still having financial problems because more goes out than is coming in. His "part tim" job has become a "I don't work much at all" job. This morning when I brought this up he informed me once again of his great plan...BANKRUPTCY! WTH! (What The Hell!) That definitely jarred me awake to the fact that he has alot farther to go than I currently anticipated. Our 30 day re-evaluation is about 2 weeks off, but I do not see myself welcoming this man back in until he is spiritually and financially responsible. I have set three sets of boundaries this week: Safe Emotional Conversations, Safe Coming to the House Rules, and Financial Boundaries. And I am working on my needs for him to meet before moving back in.

However, I don't know if that will ever happen. And that is ok. Today, I am in today. My boundaries, esp. my financial boundaries will provide and protect me and my kids either way. I feel so different about this man. And about myself.

The Soul Selects

something in my heart has shut
snapped close and tight so tight
cold like iron latch belt slammed shut
click.
a heavy door
Did I close it?
I feel as if it were
pushed like a fact
like breathing
like birth
death
bleeding
like light or darkness
sound or silence
shhhhhhhh.
goodnight heart.
goodnight place for beloved.
goodnight beloved.
goodnight
goodnight
goodnight.

I just remembered...I've got diamonds on the soles of my shoes!

I feel like sleeping beauty who was awakened after being asleep for 100 years. Only...not saved by some knight but by a simple choice to stick with a boundary? I know its only day 3 of my week of solitude and reflection, but I SERIOUSLY feel profoundly peaceful. I felt the same way last night. Its very odd.

Not that I haven't had moments of sadness, I have. And I have been more exhausted than usual. I remember that happened the last time I left my husband. But this time is different. I am in a completely different place. First I think having him leave helped immensely because I didn't have to uproot my kids and I haven't had to move in with my mother and face all the non-stop goodies that would entail. Second, this isn't some last ditch effort to save my marriage. This is me and my kids, walking on with God, either with or without my husband. I'm definitely extending this time of reprieve. I just don't know for how long yet.

I am surprised how much it feels the same as when he is here, but better. The things that are most noticeable are what I anticipated: 1. Single parenting. Not just have someone to relieve me, but I also miss watching him with the kids. He is a much better father than my dad and over the past year and a half I've found it very comforting and healing to watch him interact with them. 2. Cooking again, but I'm doing it! 3. Adult conversation. But I can also get that through phone calls and inviting people over. AND THAT'S ALL PEOPLE. THAT'S ALL.

And I quickly realized it is because he gives so little, risks so little in our relationship, while I've consistently been required to hand over vital organs. And the glaring fact that THERE IS SO LITTLE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. You can't miss what you never had. As most of you know, there was very little sexy time going on. And I have to say, that little bit of sexy time, it wasn't so great for me. In fact, I'm just going to go ahead and admit that our whole husband-wife relationship was FUCKING WEIRD. Kind of like the gay man who gets married to keep up his lifestyle without having to deal with the reality of being openly gay. And I made a decision today, and I LITERALLY FELT GOD AGREE WITH ME that I do not under any circumstances have to go back to that weird husband-wife relationship. I deserve to be fully loved and fully accepted. I deserve to be with someone who is excited to be with me! And if that isn't possible, I would rather be alone! I swear, its only been three days, but I already feel more beautiful with him gone. I don't feel as debilitated or paralyzed. My house is even cleaner!

He came over today to exchanged cars and stayed a little too long. He ended up telling me how I have "so many great attributes as a person". Fuck him. I have diamonds on the soles of my shoes. Diamonds.

Letting Go

Several weeks ago, I made a boundary that if my husband acted out within the next four weeks, he would leave for a week. I don't even want to go into what happened, because I'M THAT OVER IT but it happened. And so after our check in this morning, his admission, and prolific apology, he asked me if I still wanted him to leave for a week.

The answer is no. No I don't want to not have him around for a week. No I don't want to have to figure out what to tell our daughter, who is prone to anxiety.

But almost immediately I knew the real answer. The boundary speaks for itself. He made a choice. And so, in a way, it really doesn't fall into my lap.

I think part of my "no" is that a week alone means sort of practicing being on my own with two kids. Which would actually be good for me, but scary.

It feels good to let go of this decision. It feels good to let him make his own choices, even though they are not what I would choose.

And I'm thankful that I started a new group last week and so I have some support during this time.